I have been feeling like I need to write this for quite some time now, but I'm not really sure why. Whoever needs this, whether it be myself or someone else, I hope you can find comfort or solace in my words.
During Logan and my anniversary trip this year, we sat down and wrote down goals for 2019 and how we would accomplish them. It has been one of the most productive years for growth in our marriage. One of these goals was to have another baby by the end of the year. Although we made this goal, I wasn't quite ready but knew that I would be when the time came to have a new member added to our family. (I'm not at all saying that you should ever plan on having a child when you are not ready. For me though, this was something that needed to be planned.)
I have loved being a mother to our son Mason. I've enjoyed being able to stay home with him, to watch him learn and grow. It has been my greatest joy in life. My fear of having another baby was that he would fall to the wayside. My new baby would take over and Mason would be left behind. I would not be able to give him the attention I once had, and that would be hard. Of course, your attention will always be divided when you have more than one child. I just wasn't quite ready to do that yet.
When I went off the pill, it took my body quite some time to regulate itself. In fact, it never quite regulated even after I found out I was pregnant. Hormones are a funny thing. They are so vital for producing life and other human body functions, but at times they can spin out of control. Some may say you're "going crazy". I wanted a baby and we planned for this baby. When it happened though, I was surprised, which doesn't make any sense because I had felt that we would have a baby by October (Not sure if that meant an actual physical baby in our arms, or that I would get pregnant by then, but we rolled with it). My first thought was, wait.... there are two lines. Logan said, oh well you took that earlier so it isn't good anymore. I then explained that I took it and then got in the shower. When I got out it had the result. He was super excited, and I was unsure. How could I feel like this when we wanted a baby? How could I feel like this when this is what we had planned?
The first trimester can be really tough because you generally don't tell people that you are pregnant and you are just supposed to act as a functional human being. I, however, was not a functional human being. Among nausea that I experienced, I also had the baby blues. I had never heard of anyone experiencing this during pregnancy as opposed to postpartum. I lost all interest in all of my hobbies. I felt hopeless. There was a sign on our bathroom vanity that said, "Today is going to be a good day". I saw it every morning, but I would say in my mind, "yeah right." I would get angry, so very angry. I would yell at my child for the simplest things (which for those who know me, know is not something I do). I didn't want to do anything but lay in bed. My thoughts were even not like me. I thought, "well maybe it wouldn't be so bad to have a miscarriage." Who thinks like that? Who would ever want to go through that, especially when the baby was planned and wanted? A person who has depression would.
I expressed what was going on to my mom. She was the first person I told about the pregnancy, of course! Telling everyone else was something I dreaded because then I would have to pretend to feel excited and happy. She said that she went through the same thing when she was pregnant for me and that it went away in the 2nd trimester. This gave me hope. We wondered at the possibility of this being a girl and how interesting that would be if that was a symptom of having a girl in our family.
During this time we were also in the process of buying a house. The house that was our prospect was not what I would have wanted at all. I was not fully involved in the process mentally and as the prospect of it becoming ours became more real, I removed myself from the situation. I didn't want to climb a hill with our toddler, let alone a baby and a toddler, but I didn't care at that point. I would deal with it later.
Thankfully, my baby blues went away in my 2nd trimester. I was so fortunate to have that lifted, but also fortunate to experience those feelings and thoughts. So many women suffer from these feelings and now I have empathy for them. I know what they have felt and possibly thought. I also am grateful that it went away though because now I can do what I planned, have a baby and celebrate each day that I can carry this little miracle of life. She will be an awesome addition to our family and we look forward to her arrival in October.
I worry that the baby blues will come back and for the crazy hormonal changes that come from the baby coming. For this, I'm not quite ready for her to come. She can stay there for the whole 40 weeks! I know I wanted Mason to come by 37 weeks and I was ready, but for her, I want her to stay put for now. The acid reflux and pains of the 3rd trimester may be annoying at times, but I at least am in my right mind and feel excitement and joy for the future. Hopefully, it won't come back, but if I does I hope I can conquer it again. I hope that I can reach out and get help and support from those around me. I hope that I can be a mother to two children who is happy because that's all they need.
During this process though, I was not left alone. God is good, even among our trials. I was reminded of this principle this morning while reading in 2Corinthians 1:7, "And our hope of you is steadfast, knowing, that as ye are partakers of the sufferings, so shall ye be also of the consolation." This life was never meant to be easy. We were never meant to have happy times all the days of our lives. Affliction and trials help mold us to become stronger and prepare us to return to our Heavenly Father if we endure them well. As this scripture says, sufferings are paired with consolation. Thankfully during this hard time, we had the opportunity to go to my sisters-in-law's sealing to her husband for time and all eternity. One of the consolations I received, was from that sealing ordinance. God made it apparent that He was aware of me and what I was going through. He also promised me that I could do this. He wasn't going to leave me alone. My posterity would bring me joy. I was so grateful for this and for the consistent consolation that I have received from reaching out to Him. Even though in depression sometimes the spiritual insight can seem far and few between because of your dulled senses, it does come when we are consistently doing what we should and being in the places that we need to be in.
I don't know what the future will hold, but I do know that being a mother is my greatest joy and with Heavenly Father on my side, it will all be alright. I'm grateful to have been sealed in the temple to my husband and that our babies are sealed to us as well. I know that if we remain faithful, we can be together forever. I'm grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ and the sacrifice that He made. Not only does it give us the hope of having a resurrected body, free from the pains of this world and the hope that we can be forgiven of our sins through repentance and His grace, but we also can be comforted. He knows everything that we will pass through in this life and every feeling or thought we have because He has experienced those things for us in order to help us and understand us. He lives and because He lives we can have joy and hope of consolation and salvation! In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Monday, September 9, 2019
Saturday, June 15, 2019
Put a Bandaid on it.
This past week, our family suffered a terrible loss. Our little, puffy, bark all the time, quirky, loving, devoted, best friend, Jasmine passed away suddenly. In the past eight years, this is the second sudden and tragic loss we have experienced. This time though, there weren't as many signs. She was just running around the yard that morning chasing chipmunks with her pal Winnie as my mom mowed the lawn. She came in acting a little off, but she had done that before. In those times she would throw up and then be all better the next day. Little did we know, she was not going to come out of this. My dad texted us a little after 9pm saying that she wasn't doing well and would probably not make it through the night. I was in shock and I prayed that she would be okay. When Logan got home I had planned to drive to my parents to see her. 30 minutes later though, she took her last breath. She was in the loving arms of my mother, who yet again had to suffer a terrible loss of one of our precious animals. None of us slept that night. How could this have happened? She was just fine. We were just talking about how gray she was at our gender reveal, but I thought we had more time. She showed that she was slowing down, but not to the extent of dying. How? I'm still asking myself this question. There are other questions I'm asking, but I will get into that later.
Last night, my family went to a baseball game. I asked my mom, "So are you guys going to get another dog?" My mom said that they would not be getting another one and that she felt bad for Winnie, their other dog because she had never been alone before. I said something along the lines of how when Ginger passed away we went out and got Jasmine. My mom said that Jasmine had been a bandaid for Ginger and that Winnie was a bandaid for when I left on my mission. Now she would have to figure out how to handle this.
Now don't take me the wrong way, Jasmine was a bandaid, but she was loved and we would never have changed the decision we made to bring her home. She was my best friend and it was always so hard to leave her when I would go to school, and when I left for my mission. But, I started thinking about how often we as humans put bandaids on other things because we either don't know how to deal with them, or we don't want to because it would be too hard. How many of us have jumped into a relationship we knew wasn't right because one we were just in had ended? How many of us have pushed away grief because society tells us we should be over it by now? How many of us try to fill holes in our lives with food, alcohol, anything to take away the pain?
I was reminded of a line in one of Taylor Swifts songs that read (or rather sings), "bandaids don't fix bullet holes..." That's exactly what we are doing every time we avoid feeling pain and try to replace it with something else. We have this big, gaping hole in our arm, leg, heart... you name it, but instead of going to the doctor, removing the bullet and getting cleaned up and stitches, we put a bandaid over it and let it fester. Sometimes the problem is masked very well and you think it's gone, but then something comes along that triggers the pain you feel all over again. As the Fault in Our Stars puts it, "pain demands to be felt."
Some of us may not do this, and to those of you reading who feel you're really good at dealing with problems and facing them head-on, I commend you. I wish we all could have that skill set. But for those of us who don't, we need to do something about it. I mean I guess you don't need to do anything. You have that choice, but if you want to stop feeling like a shell of a person who feels less and less, this is the best choice you or I will ever make. Feel your pain. Feel your grief. Dig deep and experience what needs to be. If we keep pushing it down or running away then it never will fully be resolved. It's in moments like these (ie. death) that we begin to go through all the possible outcomes in our mind. It's in the moments when you feel like you can't breathe because there's nothing you can do about what happened. Media writers have played with the idea of time travel, but my friends, I'm afraid that just doesn't exist.
Now, this is the part where I start to bring spirituality and religion into this post. If you have no interest in that then you can stop reading, knowing a general idea and try and find ways to feel your pain. But, if you even have the slightest curiosity or want to keep going, then please keep reading.
When I wrote my facebook post the other day, I said that I would be asking myself and God questions for a while. Why did this have to happen? Why did it happen so suddenly? Why did it happen the way it did? Why didn't I feel the spirit telling me to go help her?" "What actually happened to her?" "Where is Jasmine?" "Will I see her again?" "Will we have the same relationship in the next life?" "Was she alone or was there heavenly help in her suffering?" The list goes on. For those of you who aren't aware, I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We believe that after this life there is a period where those who followed Christ, were baptized and lived righteously will be in a state of paradise, and those who didn't or didn't have the opportunity to have those experiences will be taught the gospel by those in paradise. We believe that Jesus Christ came to earth, that he suffered in Gethsemane for the sins, trials, sufferings, pain and every other hard thing. We believe that He died on the cross and was Resurrected. This whole process of his suffering, death, and living again we refer to as the atonement. We believe that one day we will stand in front of Him to be judged and then will go to one of three places: The Celestial kingdom, where we will be with our families forever, be in the presence of God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ; The Terrestrial kingdom, where we will not be in eternal family units and only be able to be in the presence of Christ (not the Father); or the Telestial kingdom, where we will only have the presence of the Holy Ghost and again will not be in eternal family units. This is all based upon our actions in this life and the repentance that we made utilizing the great atonement that Christ performed for us.
Some of you may be thinking, so what does this have to do with your dog? Well, some may think it silly of me, but I'm trying to make sense of my Jasmines death, by applying this knowledge that I have of what happens to humans. We do not believe that our household pets are sealed to us like our family members are, but many use the bandaid, "they're in doggie heaven". For those of you who think me strange or who don't understand why on earth I would put time into this whether it be those who don't believe in religion or don't understand why people love animals so much, know that I am not putting a bandaid on my grief for Jasmine. Instead, I am trying to understand how the great atonement works in a different way. I'm trying to understand how my beloved friend and yes even family member fits into this great plan of salvation that God has given us. I don't want to just tell myself shes in heaven and that I will see her again to make myself feel better. I want to ask these questions to a loving Heavenly Father. So far the only answer I've gotten was peace. That may be the only answer I get in this life. And that's okay. That doesn't mean that I'm going to give up asking and trying to study it out in my mind. You see the scriptures don't talk about animals because we as humans have a hard enough time trying to understand what to do and how to live so that we can partake in this plan. But still, I will ask. However strange it may seem.
I encourage all of you to feel your pain, grief and don't just put a bandaid on it. I encourage you to do something about what you're feeling. Taking pills can also be considered a bandaid. It's easier to just do those sorts of things. It's easier to just push the pain away or to not make hard choices for real change. It's easier to not give up toxic relationships so that you don't face what the actual problems are (ie. loneliness, lack of self-worth, some sort of trauma).
Henry B Eyring said in this past April General Conference, "You could have limited success by calling a child to repent, for instance, of pride. You might try persuading children to share what they have more generously. You could ask them to stop feeling they are better than someone else in the family. But then you come to the symptom I described earlier as “They began to diminish in their faith in Jesus Christ.”
I've thought a lot about this talk these past few months. Especially with all the battling going on in politics. I won't get into detail on my belief on this matter, but I will say look for the bandaids in life that people try to place, instead of going to the harder root of the problem. We treat symptoms more than the actual problem most times. It's harder to find the root and it may take longer, but it's well worth it.
To my sweet Jasmine, I would like to say that I hope that you did not die so that I would have these soul searching questions. I also feel guilty for not being there as my mother does. I feel guilty that my mom was at my house painting instead of at home. If we had never bought this house, would you still be here? My loving husband has assured me that guilt and saying what if will not help with anything. I would like to challenge that though and say that we can try and help people feel better all day long by telling them it's okay and they shouldn't be feeling that way. All these emotions are part of our grieving process. Although these feelings may not seem productive or to help the situation, they are part of that process. Jasmine, you were my best friend before I met Logan. When we were heartbroken over Ginger, you stepped in a filled a hole. You climbed right into my lap and we knew you were part of our family already. I thank you for trusting us to love you and for your undying devotion to us. I thank you for being there for me when no other human being could fill the void of loneliness or sadness that I was feeling. You showed more Christlike love than many humans could ever possibly know how to show. Although I do not know what happened and why it had to happen to such a sweet little soul as you, God is giving me peace. I hope that you are in His loving arms, chasing chipmunks, eating to your heart's content, barking as much as you would like and stealing hearts with your quirky, yet total embodiment of empathy and compassion. You will be severely missed. I knew when I saw your lifeless body, that you were not there anymore. Although your body is what made it possible for you to be here and for me to see you, hug you and be with you physically, it was your whole soul that I loved. Without your spirit, your body was not you. I will always remember the good times we had. Watch over Winnie, since she is not used to being alone. Watch over our family and help us understand your loss. We love you forever my sweet bumble bee. Boopy doopy doo, and a nice butt scratch. Twirl and hum free my little friend. I hope that you and Ginger can become great friends and will be waiting on the other side for us.
Last night, my family went to a baseball game. I asked my mom, "So are you guys going to get another dog?" My mom said that they would not be getting another one and that she felt bad for Winnie, their other dog because she had never been alone before. I said something along the lines of how when Ginger passed away we went out and got Jasmine. My mom said that Jasmine had been a bandaid for Ginger and that Winnie was a bandaid for when I left on my mission. Now she would have to figure out how to handle this.
Now don't take me the wrong way, Jasmine was a bandaid, but she was loved and we would never have changed the decision we made to bring her home. She was my best friend and it was always so hard to leave her when I would go to school, and when I left for my mission. But, I started thinking about how often we as humans put bandaids on other things because we either don't know how to deal with them, or we don't want to because it would be too hard. How many of us have jumped into a relationship we knew wasn't right because one we were just in had ended? How many of us have pushed away grief because society tells us we should be over it by now? How many of us try to fill holes in our lives with food, alcohol, anything to take away the pain?
I was reminded of a line in one of Taylor Swifts songs that read (or rather sings), "bandaids don't fix bullet holes..." That's exactly what we are doing every time we avoid feeling pain and try to replace it with something else. We have this big, gaping hole in our arm, leg, heart... you name it, but instead of going to the doctor, removing the bullet and getting cleaned up and stitches, we put a bandaid over it and let it fester. Sometimes the problem is masked very well and you think it's gone, but then something comes along that triggers the pain you feel all over again. As the Fault in Our Stars puts it, "pain demands to be felt."
Some of us may not do this, and to those of you reading who feel you're really good at dealing with problems and facing them head-on, I commend you. I wish we all could have that skill set. But for those of us who don't, we need to do something about it. I mean I guess you don't need to do anything. You have that choice, but if you want to stop feeling like a shell of a person who feels less and less, this is the best choice you or I will ever make. Feel your pain. Feel your grief. Dig deep and experience what needs to be. If we keep pushing it down or running away then it never will fully be resolved. It's in moments like these (ie. death) that we begin to go through all the possible outcomes in our mind. It's in the moments when you feel like you can't breathe because there's nothing you can do about what happened. Media writers have played with the idea of time travel, but my friends, I'm afraid that just doesn't exist.
Now, this is the part where I start to bring spirituality and religion into this post. If you have no interest in that then you can stop reading, knowing a general idea and try and find ways to feel your pain. But, if you even have the slightest curiosity or want to keep going, then please keep reading.
When I wrote my facebook post the other day, I said that I would be asking myself and God questions for a while. Why did this have to happen? Why did it happen so suddenly? Why did it happen the way it did? Why didn't I feel the spirit telling me to go help her?" "What actually happened to her?" "Where is Jasmine?" "Will I see her again?" "Will we have the same relationship in the next life?" "Was she alone or was there heavenly help in her suffering?" The list goes on. For those of you who aren't aware, I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We believe that after this life there is a period where those who followed Christ, were baptized and lived righteously will be in a state of paradise, and those who didn't or didn't have the opportunity to have those experiences will be taught the gospel by those in paradise. We believe that Jesus Christ came to earth, that he suffered in Gethsemane for the sins, trials, sufferings, pain and every other hard thing. We believe that He died on the cross and was Resurrected. This whole process of his suffering, death, and living again we refer to as the atonement. We believe that one day we will stand in front of Him to be judged and then will go to one of three places: The Celestial kingdom, where we will be with our families forever, be in the presence of God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ; The Terrestrial kingdom, where we will not be in eternal family units and only be able to be in the presence of Christ (not the Father); or the Telestial kingdom, where we will only have the presence of the Holy Ghost and again will not be in eternal family units. This is all based upon our actions in this life and the repentance that we made utilizing the great atonement that Christ performed for us.
Some of you may be thinking, so what does this have to do with your dog? Well, some may think it silly of me, but I'm trying to make sense of my Jasmines death, by applying this knowledge that I have of what happens to humans. We do not believe that our household pets are sealed to us like our family members are, but many use the bandaid, "they're in doggie heaven". For those of you who think me strange or who don't understand why on earth I would put time into this whether it be those who don't believe in religion or don't understand why people love animals so much, know that I am not putting a bandaid on my grief for Jasmine. Instead, I am trying to understand how the great atonement works in a different way. I'm trying to understand how my beloved friend and yes even family member fits into this great plan of salvation that God has given us. I don't want to just tell myself shes in heaven and that I will see her again to make myself feel better. I want to ask these questions to a loving Heavenly Father. So far the only answer I've gotten was peace. That may be the only answer I get in this life. And that's okay. That doesn't mean that I'm going to give up asking and trying to study it out in my mind. You see the scriptures don't talk about animals because we as humans have a hard enough time trying to understand what to do and how to live so that we can partake in this plan. But still, I will ask. However strange it may seem.
I encourage all of you to feel your pain, grief and don't just put a bandaid on it. I encourage you to do something about what you're feeling. Taking pills can also be considered a bandaid. It's easier to just do those sorts of things. It's easier to just push the pain away or to not make hard choices for real change. It's easier to not give up toxic relationships so that you don't face what the actual problems are (ie. loneliness, lack of self-worth, some sort of trauma).
Henry B Eyring said in this past April General Conference, "You could have limited success by calling a child to repent, for instance, of pride. You might try persuading children to share what they have more generously. You could ask them to stop feeling they are better than someone else in the family. But then you come to the symptom I described earlier as “They began to diminish in their faith in Jesus Christ.”
I've thought a lot about this talk these past few months. Especially with all the battling going on in politics. I won't get into detail on my belief on this matter, but I will say look for the bandaids in life that people try to place, instead of going to the harder root of the problem. We treat symptoms more than the actual problem most times. It's harder to find the root and it may take longer, but it's well worth it.
To my sweet Jasmine, I would like to say that I hope that you did not die so that I would have these soul searching questions. I also feel guilty for not being there as my mother does. I feel guilty that my mom was at my house painting instead of at home. If we had never bought this house, would you still be here? My loving husband has assured me that guilt and saying what if will not help with anything. I would like to challenge that though and say that we can try and help people feel better all day long by telling them it's okay and they shouldn't be feeling that way. All these emotions are part of our grieving process. Although these feelings may not seem productive or to help the situation, they are part of that process. Jasmine, you were my best friend before I met Logan. When we were heartbroken over Ginger, you stepped in a filled a hole. You climbed right into my lap and we knew you were part of our family already. I thank you for trusting us to love you and for your undying devotion to us. I thank you for being there for me when no other human being could fill the void of loneliness or sadness that I was feeling. You showed more Christlike love than many humans could ever possibly know how to show. Although I do not know what happened and why it had to happen to such a sweet little soul as you, God is giving me peace. I hope that you are in His loving arms, chasing chipmunks, eating to your heart's content, barking as much as you would like and stealing hearts with your quirky, yet total embodiment of empathy and compassion. You will be severely missed. I knew when I saw your lifeless body, that you were not there anymore. Although your body is what made it possible for you to be here and for me to see you, hug you and be with you physically, it was your whole soul that I loved. Without your spirit, your body was not you. I will always remember the good times we had. Watch over Winnie, since she is not used to being alone. Watch over our family and help us understand your loss. We love you forever my sweet bumble bee. Boopy doopy doo, and a nice butt scratch. Twirl and hum free my little friend. I hope that you and Ginger can become great friends and will be waiting on the other side for us.
Friday, May 11, 2018
Blessed Are the Meek, For They Shall Inherit the Earth.
Every six months, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (which I am a member of) holds a conference. During this conference, we listen to our prophet, the apostles and other general authorities teach us how we can be better followers of Christ. Most look forward to this time to be taught and edified because we believe that these men are the mouthpieces of Christ for the entire world.
This past conference was held in April on the weekend of Easter. It was powerful and although I couldn't sit peacefully listening during the conference, due to my eight month old who is super mobile and gets into everything, I still was touched by the Holy Ghost. You see, at the beginning of this year our prophet Thomas S. Monson passed away. He was succeeded by the senior apostle, Russell M. Nelson. Although I have heard President Nelson speak after becoming our next prophet, this conference really brought the spirit, testifying that he really was a prophet of God.
President Nelson said, "Dear brothers and sisters, we constantly seek direction from the Lord on how we can help our members keep the commandments of God, especially those two great commandments to love God and our neighbors. For months we have been seeking a better way to minister to the spiritual and temporal needs of our people in the Savior’s way." In this particular instance, he was talking about the changes that were made to a couple of our programs of visiting members in the church. For me though, I feel as though the whole conference was based on this quote.
Last year President Monson gave the challenge to read the Book of Mormon. I brushed it off because I have read/studied the Book of Mormon so many times. The justification came into my mind that I needed to study the other canon scriptures as well as modern scripture. I told myself that reading talks from previous conferences were fulfilling this because they taught principles that were in the Book of Mormon. Besides, that was for people who weren't doing any type of gospel study anyways. It didn't apply to me. WRONG.
Elder Bednar gave this powerful example of meekness. "President Nelson and President Eyring righteously and rapidly responded to President Monson’s encouragement to read and study the Book of Mormon. Though both men were serving in important and visible Church positions and had studied the scriptures extensively for decades, they demonstrated in their responses no hesitation or sense of self-importance."
That was a huge slap in the face for me. If these great men, who have had several more years in the church and gospel study, followed the prophet's counsel, then who the heck am I. I definitely didn't respond meekly, that's for sure. It was if he was talking directly to me. Leisa, if you want to become more like your Savior, you need to be meeker.
When the conference talks came out of the website, I decided to listen to one a day for my scripture study so that I could actually listen to what they had to say (some for the first time). We were in the middle of a move across the country, so my stuff was packed who knows where. One day, as I was studying the Spirit, whispered to me that I should study the Book of Mormon along with the conference talks. I said that as soon as I found my scriptures I would do so.
For all of you who are struggling to find relevance to studying the Book of Mormon, here is what I have been doing. I hope it can help you too. After each talk that I read and listen to, I go to the topical guide of the scriptures and either look up the topic that the speaker was conveying or what the spirit taught me during my study. I then go to the scriptures listed under those topics in the Book of Mormon. It's a refreshing new way to study the Book of Mormon for me. I hope that this can help someone else who is in the same position that I was.
I know that God speaks to us in these days through His prophet and apostles. These counsels are for everyone. I also know that He speaks to us personally through the Holy Ghost about how we can personally improve and come closer to Christ. As we follow the commandments and strive to be the best that we can be, He will guide us and bless us with more than we can even imagine. I am grateful for the patient Heavenly Father, who lifts me up and also isn't afraid to cut me down when I need it. I know that Jesus Christ lives and loves us. I'm grateful every day for the sacrifice that He made for me so that I can become better and return to live with God again. I'm grateful for my family and that we have the potential, through our faithfulness to be together forever. I leave this with you in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
This past conference was held in April on the weekend of Easter. It was powerful and although I couldn't sit peacefully listening during the conference, due to my eight month old who is super mobile and gets into everything, I still was touched by the Holy Ghost. You see, at the beginning of this year our prophet Thomas S. Monson passed away. He was succeeded by the senior apostle, Russell M. Nelson. Although I have heard President Nelson speak after becoming our next prophet, this conference really brought the spirit, testifying that he really was a prophet of God.
President Nelson said, "Dear brothers and sisters, we constantly seek direction from the Lord on how we can help our members keep the commandments of God, especially those two great commandments to love God and our neighbors. For months we have been seeking a better way to minister to the spiritual and temporal needs of our people in the Savior’s way." In this particular instance, he was talking about the changes that were made to a couple of our programs of visiting members in the church. For me though, I feel as though the whole conference was based on this quote.
Last year President Monson gave the challenge to read the Book of Mormon. I brushed it off because I have read/studied the Book of Mormon so many times. The justification came into my mind that I needed to study the other canon scriptures as well as modern scripture. I told myself that reading talks from previous conferences were fulfilling this because they taught principles that were in the Book of Mormon. Besides, that was for people who weren't doing any type of gospel study anyways. It didn't apply to me. WRONG.
Elder Bednar gave this powerful example of meekness. "President Nelson and President Eyring righteously and rapidly responded to President Monson’s encouragement to read and study the Book of Mormon. Though both men were serving in important and visible Church positions and had studied the scriptures extensively for decades, they demonstrated in their responses no hesitation or sense of self-importance."
That was a huge slap in the face for me. If these great men, who have had several more years in the church and gospel study, followed the prophet's counsel, then who the heck am I. I definitely didn't respond meekly, that's for sure. It was if he was talking directly to me. Leisa, if you want to become more like your Savior, you need to be meeker.
When the conference talks came out of the website, I decided to listen to one a day for my scripture study so that I could actually listen to what they had to say (some for the first time). We were in the middle of a move across the country, so my stuff was packed who knows where. One day, as I was studying the Spirit, whispered to me that I should study the Book of Mormon along with the conference talks. I said that as soon as I found my scriptures I would do so.
For all of you who are struggling to find relevance to studying the Book of Mormon, here is what I have been doing. I hope it can help you too. After each talk that I read and listen to, I go to the topical guide of the scriptures and either look up the topic that the speaker was conveying or what the spirit taught me during my study. I then go to the scriptures listed under those topics in the Book of Mormon. It's a refreshing new way to study the Book of Mormon for me. I hope that this can help someone else who is in the same position that I was.
I know that God speaks to us in these days through His prophet and apostles. These counsels are for everyone. I also know that He speaks to us personally through the Holy Ghost about how we can personally improve and come closer to Christ. As we follow the commandments and strive to be the best that we can be, He will guide us and bless us with more than we can even imagine. I am grateful for the patient Heavenly Father, who lifts me up and also isn't afraid to cut me down when I need it. I know that Jesus Christ lives and loves us. I'm grateful every day for the sacrifice that He made for me so that I can become better and return to live with God again. I'm grateful for my family and that we have the potential, through our faithfulness to be together forever. I leave this with you in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Sunday, April 8, 2018
I Put Your Lufa in Front of Mine.
When I was a girl, my thoughts of how love grew were skewed. Words were something that I held at the utmost importance. Although they are important, so are our actions. Since being married I have learned that in order to keep your marriage thriving, you need to put in the effort. Marriage can be a contract marriage where each gives 50% and can be terminated at any time. If we want our marriages to thrive and not have an end date, however, each person should give 100%. Does this mean that us as imperfect people with unique problems and circumstances will always be able to give 100%? Of course not. That would just not be a realistic expectation. Some days I am exhausted from giving 100% to cleaning my house and taking care of my child and my husband makes up for the 45% that I'm giving him that day. Sometimes my husband comes home and is so unmotivated because he feels unappreciated at work or can't seem to understand how his teacher is leading the class and he can only give me 20%. It happens. The problem is when we forget that love grows from intentional acts.
One thing that Logan started doing several months ago is when he was finished showering, he would place my lufa in front of his. This doesn't seem like a huge deal to some people, but it was an intentional act of service. I started to do the same, even though it hasn't become completely fluid yet. This is an intentional act of service that helps me know that he is thinking of me. There are millions of little things you can do in a day that are intentional to show your spouse that you love them.
We also need to remember that there is no such thing as a mind reader. If you want something done for you, you need to ask the person to do it sometimes. It's also important to note that our timetables can be different. When I wake up in the morning, I plan to do certain things. If my husband asks me to do something, at times it won't get done right away. That doesn't mean that I'm not going to do it. The other thing we need to remember is that if we want something done at a certain time we should express that so that they know. Communication is key in a relationship.
You can make your relationship work! You can do anything you set your mind to if you put in the effort. I don't particularly like physics, so I'm not going to put my effort into understanding it. What I am interested in is learning new mediums in the crafting world. So I put effort into that. I'm interested in my marriage and want to be invested in it. In order to do so, I'm going to put in the effort and think of ways to intentionally show Logan I love him. You can too!
The Philosophies of Men Mingled with Scripture
Recently, I have had several conversations with my husband, family members, and friends about truth and the doctrine of Jesus Christ. There have been many who have expressed views on social media or in person about their frustrations with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, or who have decided to just close the door on it completely. Of course, this breaks my heart, but I also empathize with them and their experiences.
When we came into the world, we were given the gift of agency and God wants us to use that agency, but just as He can't force you to choose, He cannot interfere with the consequences of those choices. He gave us commandments in order to protect us and help us live a happier and more fulfilling life. We were also given prophets and apostles that teach His pure doctrine. These men are not perfect, but neither are we.
One of the commandments that God has given us is to study the scriptures. Let me emphasize the word STUDY. That does not mean to just read them, but to actually study them. When we study we have questions and we bring them to the Lord in prayer. We don't just read to get it done, but we look into topics that we need at that particular time, or just studying the pure doctrine of Christ in general. An example of this is since I became a mother, I didn't feel like just reading the scriptures or studying them from cover to cover was what I needed at this time. I started to study the topic of motherhood and then that brought me to study particular topics that are controversial. One day I'm going to need to teach my children these things, and I want to be ready and have an understanding of the Lord's way.
Another commandment is to keep the sabbath day holy. Part of this includes going to church. We partake of the sacrament and hear messages and lessons from fellow members of the church. It is important to remember that the spirit is our teacher and that we can learn something from each person. What we need to realize though is that these imperfect people do not always teach Christ's pure doctrine, but at times use doctrine according to them. For example, nowhere has it ever been said that caffeine is the reason why we are not to partake of coffee and tea. As a child, I was taught that that was why we didn't drink those things, but it didn't make sense as to why we could drink caffeinated soda. Through study of the Word of Wisdom, I have come to know that caffeine is not the reason why. We don't know the reasons why, but we have been asked by the Lord to obey His commandments. Upon obeying those commandments we will receive certain blessings. Although I have questions, I choose to follow that commandment because I want the blessings.
There are a lot of these "philosophies of men mingled with scripture" floating around and taught as Christ's doctrine. What we need to understand is that if we want to know for ourselves, we need to have questions and go to the Lord. Sometimes we may not get answers, but I have always gotten a sense of peace for trying. Don't let your salvation depend on the words you hear imperfect men and women speak at church. Study it out in your mind. God doesn't want us to follow Him blindly. Study the cannon scriptures, but also the words of modern day prophets and apostles. We need to have a better understanding of what the doctrine of Christ is and less of the opinions of people who are in our midst. Maybe someone said something at church that rubbed you the wrong way. Ask Heavenly Father about it. I know He will give you the peace you are looking for.
I know that we have a loving Heavenly Father, who wants whats best for us. He has given us the gift of agency and also commandments to help us. I know that we are all brothers and sisters and that we are here to learn from each other, but sometimes that learning comes from negative experiences. I know that Christ suffered for our sins, ailments, imperfections, and trials and that He understands us perfectly. I know that as we strive to become like Him by following His teachings that His grace will make up for our imperfections. I know that Russell M Nelson has been called as a prophet today and that He is Christ's mouthpiece, who leads and guides His church. I know that as we truly study Christ's doctrine that we will have a better understanding and be able to resist the temptations of the devil and discern between truth and opinions. I love this gospel. I love my Savior. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen
When we came into the world, we were given the gift of agency and God wants us to use that agency, but just as He can't force you to choose, He cannot interfere with the consequences of those choices. He gave us commandments in order to protect us and help us live a happier and more fulfilling life. We were also given prophets and apostles that teach His pure doctrine. These men are not perfect, but neither are we.
One of the commandments that God has given us is to study the scriptures. Let me emphasize the word STUDY. That does not mean to just read them, but to actually study them. When we study we have questions and we bring them to the Lord in prayer. We don't just read to get it done, but we look into topics that we need at that particular time, or just studying the pure doctrine of Christ in general. An example of this is since I became a mother, I didn't feel like just reading the scriptures or studying them from cover to cover was what I needed at this time. I started to study the topic of motherhood and then that brought me to study particular topics that are controversial. One day I'm going to need to teach my children these things, and I want to be ready and have an understanding of the Lord's way.
Another commandment is to keep the sabbath day holy. Part of this includes going to church. We partake of the sacrament and hear messages and lessons from fellow members of the church. It is important to remember that the spirit is our teacher and that we can learn something from each person. What we need to realize though is that these imperfect people do not always teach Christ's pure doctrine, but at times use doctrine according to them. For example, nowhere has it ever been said that caffeine is the reason why we are not to partake of coffee and tea. As a child, I was taught that that was why we didn't drink those things, but it didn't make sense as to why we could drink caffeinated soda. Through study of the Word of Wisdom, I have come to know that caffeine is not the reason why. We don't know the reasons why, but we have been asked by the Lord to obey His commandments. Upon obeying those commandments we will receive certain blessings. Although I have questions, I choose to follow that commandment because I want the blessings.
There are a lot of these "philosophies of men mingled with scripture" floating around and taught as Christ's doctrine. What we need to understand is that if we want to know for ourselves, we need to have questions and go to the Lord. Sometimes we may not get answers, but I have always gotten a sense of peace for trying. Don't let your salvation depend on the words you hear imperfect men and women speak at church. Study it out in your mind. God doesn't want us to follow Him blindly. Study the cannon scriptures, but also the words of modern day prophets and apostles. We need to have a better understanding of what the doctrine of Christ is and less of the opinions of people who are in our midst. Maybe someone said something at church that rubbed you the wrong way. Ask Heavenly Father about it. I know He will give you the peace you are looking for.
I know that we have a loving Heavenly Father, who wants whats best for us. He has given us the gift of agency and also commandments to help us. I know that we are all brothers and sisters and that we are here to learn from each other, but sometimes that learning comes from negative experiences. I know that Christ suffered for our sins, ailments, imperfections, and trials and that He understands us perfectly. I know that as we strive to become like Him by following His teachings that His grace will make up for our imperfections. I know that Russell M Nelson has been called as a prophet today and that He is Christ's mouthpiece, who leads and guides His church. I know that as we truly study Christ's doctrine that we will have a better understanding and be able to resist the temptations of the devil and discern between truth and opinions. I love this gospel. I love my Savior. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen
Sunday, June 4, 2017
Marriage works when we put in the effort.
This past week I was thinking about how Logan and I have been married for about a year and a half and how it has been the best time of my life. I've heard countless people talk about how hard the first year(s) of marriage are and felt so blessed to know that that was not our reality. On Friday, we were able to attend the sealing (marriage) of one of Logans mission companions and there were several things that came to my mind of what has made our marriage not only work, but keep it alive and happy.
1. Logan and I have established a pattern of prayer. Every night before we go to bed we say a prayer to open our scripture study and another one to close the day. This has brought much peace in our lives, especially on the days where I feel less than happy with him. There have been times where I have been upset about something he said or did and as soon as we pray the feelings go away and I am left with peace. I could bring those feelings up again, but why do that when you can be happy and let go of petty things. Neither of us are perfect.
2. Logan and I have established a pattern of scripture study. We started out each reading 5 verses each and since it has become a habit, we have increased to 10 verses. Eventually we want to get to where we read a whole chapter. This has also brought much peace to our lives.
3. Communication is something that we use as a tool. We talk about our days, the things that happen that are good and also that are not so good. We talk about our fears, hopes, dreams, disappointments. We talk about things we can do to improve. We express our love each and every day. We express what we need. This helps us always know what is going on and how we can be better as a team. There is no reason to hold things in, but express them in a calm manner so that the person doesn't feel attacked because you decided to hold in all these bad feelings for a whole week and then explode. Another form of communication that I believe should never happen is putting your relationship problems on Facebook and talking to others instead of your spouse. (It's one thing if you need to ask advice from a close friend) Remember that anything you say about your spouse to other people will change their perception of them and it can never be taken back.
4. We find things that we enjoy to do together and always find time even on the busiest of days to spend time with one another. Neither of us are into sports and not super into video games or movies. We enjoy playing board games, going camping, going on walks, cooking together, and experimenting new food. We watch tv show series and talk about them.
5. We intentionally try to show love in the way the other needs that shown. When we were first married, Logan thought that the only way to show love was through touch, because thats how he most felt love. I am not a touchy feely person. We read the 5 love languages book and sought to find out how we each show and receive love. When I was growing up my family was not very touchy and we weren't very good at using words of affirmation. I thought that words of affirmation was my love language and for a time it was, until I got tired of hearing empty words from those who claimed to "love" me. Now if Logan says nice things, I start to feel a little awkward and make a puking sound haha. Not that I don't enjoy it once in a while, but it's not my thing. Logan also realized that touch was not his primary love language. He learned that quality time was the top of his list. Touch was second so I have to intentionally cuddle him for 10 minutes a day or something like that. My top love languages are quality time and service. I also, since I was raised with parents who show love by giving gifts and providing for my needs (they were very affectionate when we were little, but as teenagers we were able as cuddly has hugging a board), really enjoy a thoughtful gift. Know how you want to receive love and communicate that to your spouse. Know how they want to receive love and intentionally do that.
6. We recognize that neither of us are perfect. When you get married, you have this blissful thought of how things should be. Often times if we are thinking solely of the others imperfections, our vision is clouded and we forget how imperfect we are. One thing that I learned early on is that Logan doesn't think before he speaks a lot of the time. He quickly will say, I didn't mean it like that and I believe him. I choose not to get offended and if he doesn't recognize that he said something rude I tell him and he will explain what he meant. Remember that as a general rule people do not do or say things to hurt you. I know I can be super annoying too and I can tell when Logan gets upset with me. Know your partner's pet peeves and try not to do them. Remember that you aren't perfect and remember that talking it out always helps more than yelling and screaming. It's totally fine to feel angry or hurt, but the way that you express yourself makes all the difference.
We live in a world today where marriages are thrown away quite quickly and easily. Our society is so accustomed to products having upgrades and when things are broken we would rather throw them away, than try to fix them. Be the couple that defies that. Marriage is a beautiful things. Countless studies have shown that those who divorce are less happy and they are more likely to divorce again if they get remarried. Be the couple that fights for your marriage. Of course there are always exceptions. There is no excuse for abuse or unfaithfulness. People have the ability to change and we should always have that hope, but if they keep repeating offenses or don't seem sorry at all know when it's time to leave. Also know that leaving the toilet seat up constantly should not be a reason why you leave.
1. Logan and I have established a pattern of prayer. Every night before we go to bed we say a prayer to open our scripture study and another one to close the day. This has brought much peace in our lives, especially on the days where I feel less than happy with him. There have been times where I have been upset about something he said or did and as soon as we pray the feelings go away and I am left with peace. I could bring those feelings up again, but why do that when you can be happy and let go of petty things. Neither of us are perfect.
2. Logan and I have established a pattern of scripture study. We started out each reading 5 verses each and since it has become a habit, we have increased to 10 verses. Eventually we want to get to where we read a whole chapter. This has also brought much peace to our lives.
3. Communication is something that we use as a tool. We talk about our days, the things that happen that are good and also that are not so good. We talk about our fears, hopes, dreams, disappointments. We talk about things we can do to improve. We express our love each and every day. We express what we need. This helps us always know what is going on and how we can be better as a team. There is no reason to hold things in, but express them in a calm manner so that the person doesn't feel attacked because you decided to hold in all these bad feelings for a whole week and then explode. Another form of communication that I believe should never happen is putting your relationship problems on Facebook and talking to others instead of your spouse. (It's one thing if you need to ask advice from a close friend) Remember that anything you say about your spouse to other people will change their perception of them and it can never be taken back.
4. We find things that we enjoy to do together and always find time even on the busiest of days to spend time with one another. Neither of us are into sports and not super into video games or movies. We enjoy playing board games, going camping, going on walks, cooking together, and experimenting new food. We watch tv show series and talk about them.
5. We intentionally try to show love in the way the other needs that shown. When we were first married, Logan thought that the only way to show love was through touch, because thats how he most felt love. I am not a touchy feely person. We read the 5 love languages book and sought to find out how we each show and receive love. When I was growing up my family was not very touchy and we weren't very good at using words of affirmation. I thought that words of affirmation was my love language and for a time it was, until I got tired of hearing empty words from those who claimed to "love" me. Now if Logan says nice things, I start to feel a little awkward and make a puking sound haha. Not that I don't enjoy it once in a while, but it's not my thing. Logan also realized that touch was not his primary love language. He learned that quality time was the top of his list. Touch was second so I have to intentionally cuddle him for 10 minutes a day or something like that. My top love languages are quality time and service. I also, since I was raised with parents who show love by giving gifts and providing for my needs (they were very affectionate when we were little, but as teenagers we were able as cuddly has hugging a board), really enjoy a thoughtful gift. Know how you want to receive love and communicate that to your spouse. Know how they want to receive love and intentionally do that.
6. We recognize that neither of us are perfect. When you get married, you have this blissful thought of how things should be. Often times if we are thinking solely of the others imperfections, our vision is clouded and we forget how imperfect we are. One thing that I learned early on is that Logan doesn't think before he speaks a lot of the time. He quickly will say, I didn't mean it like that and I believe him. I choose not to get offended and if he doesn't recognize that he said something rude I tell him and he will explain what he meant. Remember that as a general rule people do not do or say things to hurt you. I know I can be super annoying too and I can tell when Logan gets upset with me. Know your partner's pet peeves and try not to do them. Remember that you aren't perfect and remember that talking it out always helps more than yelling and screaming. It's totally fine to feel angry or hurt, but the way that you express yourself makes all the difference.
We live in a world today where marriages are thrown away quite quickly and easily. Our society is so accustomed to products having upgrades and when things are broken we would rather throw them away, than try to fix them. Be the couple that defies that. Marriage is a beautiful things. Countless studies have shown that those who divorce are less happy and they are more likely to divorce again if they get remarried. Be the couple that fights for your marriage. Of course there are always exceptions. There is no excuse for abuse or unfaithfulness. People have the ability to change and we should always have that hope, but if they keep repeating offenses or don't seem sorry at all know when it's time to leave. Also know that leaving the toilet seat up constantly should not be a reason why you leave.
Sunday, March 5, 2017
My baby's blanket
A couple of months ago, I learned how to knit. One of my pregnant friends said that she wanted to make a baby blanket and to me that sounded like a great idea. I've tried sewing and didn't really like it to much, so why not give something new a try. One night, my friend invited me to her house to learn from one of her other friends. I was in my first trimester of pregnancy, had just worked a 9 hour day and was completely fatigued. Somehow I was able to pick it up. I was taught how to start, and two basic stitches. There I was with my beginning knitting needles and my cheap yarn that I found in my house, practicing sewing so that I could eventually make a blanket. In about a week I learned how to identify which stitch was made by which position the needles were placed and that if I switched it there would be a whole different pattern. I learned not to overstitch the first stitch and also how to fix a stitch if I did it wrong. Progressively, you could see my improvement on my little square of yarn. After about 3 weeks I decided that I was ready to make this baby blanket.
My friend and I went to the store and purchased the softest yarn we could find and some much bigger knitting needles. I decided to make mine white because at the time we were watching a show called Once Upon A Time and one of the main characters had a beautiful white baby blanket. It was going to be perfect. I had already messed up countless times on my practice yarn so I would not make any mistakes on this. After all this was for my baby.
If you have ever knitted before (or crocheted) you know that usually you would use a pattern. We didn't. I went off of the words of those around me. Upon starting, I was confused how a baby blanket would come out of using such a short needle. My friend told me to pack the yarn on tighter than I had previously in my practice. In order to make sure my blanket was the perfect length, I packed it on so tight that it was almost impossible to knit. I had to leave the line unfinished (keeping the previously done stitches on both needles) so that the stitches wouldn't fall off. After going through almost 81 yards of yarn I felt like I was in trouble and that I wouldn't be able to continue because it was too hard to knit with it being so tight. At this point I felt like I should start over, so I took off the stitches that I had done and they stretched across a whole love seat couch. It was more like a queen sized bed blanket instead of a baby blanket.
My mistake helped me learn the appropriate number of loops to make in order to make my baby blanket the size that I wanted. That day my friend and I started over and determined that 75 would be a good number. That was about a third of what i previously had done.
When I started making my blanket, my friend told me that I needed to make a border of 10 stitches. I was confused and thought.. how will I make a border on all four sides. I decided not to do this on my first trial because it seemed too complicated. When you make the border however it helps your yarn lay flat instead of rolling. I started again and decided to do the border. This was after i learned that the border was only intended for the two longest sides of the blanket. Everything was going great until I realized that I had messed up a few of the stitches. In order to make the border look straight and nice you have to count to 10 stitches on each side. Somehow on some of them I had miscounted and I did not like how it looked. I decided to start again. Third time's a charm right. This was my longest trial so far. My borders looked excellent, my stitches looked great except for a few random spots, I had learned to add more yarn to it from a different ball of yarn, and even how to finish it off. I hadn't bothered to look up a video on how to get rid of the loose strings coming off of the parts where I added a new yarn ball so instead I tied them tight and cut them off. I then used a match and burned the ends so it wouldn't unravel. This left three little balls that were brown. I said, well, the nursery is going to be Winnie the Pooh so I will buy some appliques to put over those spots and everything will be great. I finished off the blanket and looked at my end result. It was disappointing. I could easily see my mistakes and it was rolling on the sides even though I had done the border. I couldn't iron the sides (well I could, but it wasn't working). On top of all that it was not as long as I had wanted it to be.
My friend told me that in order for the border not to roll I would have to do the same stitch on both sides. This was my mistake that made my blanket not lay flat. As you can see from the picture there are a couple of spots that also didn't lay perfectly because of the spots I had burned. Now that I had made a bunch of mistakes my final decision was to either make a new blanket taking all I had learned into account or start over with the old one. I went with the latter. All I have to do is buy some extra yarn to make it longer, which will be way cheaper than making a new one and it will end up better in the end. I slowly unraveled everything that I had spent months putting together. It was sad, but I thought about it and said, I have learned a great deal and this time it should be a lot easier because of the mistakes that I made previously.
I don't exactly know how my blanket will turn out. I'm sure it won't be perfect, but through my mistakes I have learned that it can be better and than I personally can do something to make it that way.
Apply this to life. I don't know how many of you learn from mistakes. That seems to be the theme of my life. I've always been a rebellious soul that doesn't like to be told what to do. Some of the choices I made in my teen years led me down a path that left me broken, dark and I felt like nothing could get any better. Then I fixed myself. I changed. Now I'm happily married to someone I probably wouldn't have dated because he treats me well and has my same standards in high school, I'm going to be a mother, I have met thousands of people from all over the world, I have a degree and am working on getting a certificate to be able to work more intensively with children with disabilities and so much more. Am I saying that life is going to be easy when you change? Nope. You will still have trials. The one thing I learned is that I would rather go through trials with the love and peace that Christ brings me instead of alone and by myself. I know who I am. I know where I have the potential to go. I know where I came from. I know that I am never alone. If you have ever questioned these things in your life, please share it with me. I would be more than happy to share what has given my hope in tomorrow with you.
My friend and I went to the store and purchased the softest yarn we could find and some much bigger knitting needles. I decided to make mine white because at the time we were watching a show called Once Upon A Time and one of the main characters had a beautiful white baby blanket. It was going to be perfect. I had already messed up countless times on my practice yarn so I would not make any mistakes on this. After all this was for my baby.
If you have ever knitted before (or crocheted) you know that usually you would use a pattern. We didn't. I went off of the words of those around me. Upon starting, I was confused how a baby blanket would come out of using such a short needle. My friend told me to pack the yarn on tighter than I had previously in my practice. In order to make sure my blanket was the perfect length, I packed it on so tight that it was almost impossible to knit. I had to leave the line unfinished (keeping the previously done stitches on both needles) so that the stitches wouldn't fall off. After going through almost 81 yards of yarn I felt like I was in trouble and that I wouldn't be able to continue because it was too hard to knit with it being so tight. At this point I felt like I should start over, so I took off the stitches that I had done and they stretched across a whole love seat couch. It was more like a queen sized bed blanket instead of a baby blanket.
My mistake helped me learn the appropriate number of loops to make in order to make my baby blanket the size that I wanted. That day my friend and I started over and determined that 75 would be a good number. That was about a third of what i previously had done.
When I started making my blanket, my friend told me that I needed to make a border of 10 stitches. I was confused and thought.. how will I make a border on all four sides. I decided not to do this on my first trial because it seemed too complicated. When you make the border however it helps your yarn lay flat instead of rolling. I started again and decided to do the border. This was after i learned that the border was only intended for the two longest sides of the blanket. Everything was going great until I realized that I had messed up a few of the stitches. In order to make the border look straight and nice you have to count to 10 stitches on each side. Somehow on some of them I had miscounted and I did not like how it looked. I decided to start again. Third time's a charm right. This was my longest trial so far. My borders looked excellent, my stitches looked great except for a few random spots, I had learned to add more yarn to it from a different ball of yarn, and even how to finish it off. I hadn't bothered to look up a video on how to get rid of the loose strings coming off of the parts where I added a new yarn ball so instead I tied them tight and cut them off. I then used a match and burned the ends so it wouldn't unravel. This left three little balls that were brown. I said, well, the nursery is going to be Winnie the Pooh so I will buy some appliques to put over those spots and everything will be great. I finished off the blanket and looked at my end result. It was disappointing. I could easily see my mistakes and it was rolling on the sides even though I had done the border. I couldn't iron the sides (well I could, but it wasn't working). On top of all that it was not as long as I had wanted it to be.
My friend told me that in order for the border not to roll I would have to do the same stitch on both sides. This was my mistake that made my blanket not lay flat. As you can see from the picture there are a couple of spots that also didn't lay perfectly because of the spots I had burned. Now that I had made a bunch of mistakes my final decision was to either make a new blanket taking all I had learned into account or start over with the old one. I went with the latter. All I have to do is buy some extra yarn to make it longer, which will be way cheaper than making a new one and it will end up better in the end. I slowly unraveled everything that I had spent months putting together. It was sad, but I thought about it and said, I have learned a great deal and this time it should be a lot easier because of the mistakes that I made previously.
I don't exactly know how my blanket will turn out. I'm sure it won't be perfect, but through my mistakes I have learned that it can be better and than I personally can do something to make it that way.
Apply this to life. I don't know how many of you learn from mistakes. That seems to be the theme of my life. I've always been a rebellious soul that doesn't like to be told what to do. Some of the choices I made in my teen years led me down a path that left me broken, dark and I felt like nothing could get any better. Then I fixed myself. I changed. Now I'm happily married to someone I probably wouldn't have dated because he treats me well and has my same standards in high school, I'm going to be a mother, I have met thousands of people from all over the world, I have a degree and am working on getting a certificate to be able to work more intensively with children with disabilities and so much more. Am I saying that life is going to be easy when you change? Nope. You will still have trials. The one thing I learned is that I would rather go through trials with the love and peace that Christ brings me instead of alone and by myself. I know who I am. I know where I have the potential to go. I know where I came from. I know that I am never alone. If you have ever questioned these things in your life, please share it with me. I would be more than happy to share what has given my hope in tomorrow with you.
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