Faith is Trust and Patience

In the past couple years it has come to my attention that I have trust and patience issues when it comes to things that I can't see. Now let me be clear, this is a lack only in events of my personal life. I have faith that God exists, that Jesus Christ lives, that the atonement is real and the gospel is true along with everything that comes with it. Everything that I have posted about that I believe in, have never come hard for me to believe in. This lack is more in my small view of how things should go in my life and when they should happen.

Today I woke up and I felt terrible. My husband had said a prayer last night that my sore throat would go away and I had faith that it would. He also prayed that I would feel better and be able to do all that I needed to do. I had faith that that would happen. The thing that I have learned though is that faith cannot do two things: change another's agency, nor change God's will. This was a teaching by Dieter F. Uchtdorf this past October general conference. The article is entitled, "Fourth Floor, Last Door." I recommend that anyone who has ever struggled in life read it. So it was not the Lord's will for me to have my sickness removed from me. My sore throat was lifted, but I felt achy and my body was exhausted. Now when my parents owned their subways, there were countless times that I took peoples shifts at work when they were sick, but the favor was very rarely reciprocated. There were countless times that I had to work when I was sick. I learned from that experience not to trust people to take my shifts, so I just stopped asking. There were also several people who could call in sick, but weren't actually sick, so this sticks in the back of my mind. It's always my first thought that if I call in sick people will think that I am faking because that usually is my first thought. It would be more convenient to get sick on a Wednesday because if you get sick on a Monday or a weekend people will think you just want time off. Today though, I decided to try. I told Heavenly Father I would ask one person. A name quickly came to my mind. I messaged her right after. An hour went by and I still hadn't heard anything and then I remembered that she had either lost her phone or it was broken so I didn't know if she would actually get my text. I started to doubt because I'm impatient. Anxiety always fills my mind when things don't happen automatically. So I started texting other people. No one could take my shift so I thought, well I guess I will just have to suck it up. Just when I had lost hope the person I originally texted responded and said she could take my shift. I am so grateful. Although it was not God's will to take my sickness from me, He knew someone who could be my earthly angel and help me through my sickness, by giving me an opportunity to rest throughout the day.

There are very few people that I have told this next experience that I'm about to tell you about. It has been very near to my heart, but I have always wanted to share it. Today was the light I needed to be able to express it in the right manner. When I returned home from my mission, I experienced many of the same feelings of uneasiness that come from coming home. I experienced sorrow, confusion, loneliness etc. But for the first time in my life I actually felt deep depression. Now it was not a medical disorder, where I had to go on medication and I don't suggest you do that unless it is something that happens for over 9 months. This was the type of depression that comes with life. Normally, people who experience depression will have it go away naturally within 9 months. For the few people that it doesn't, I am not minimizing your pain and I feel for you. I couldn't imagine living with those feelings my whole life. I had focused so much on the action that was tied to faith because faith is action, that justice became the only thing I thought about in regards to the atonement (Christ's sacrifice for us). My last area was really hard. I was there for 6 months and I didn't have an investigator (someone who is looking into the church that I would teach) until 2 weeks before I went home. During that time there were several of my leaders who out of imperfection didn't see the whole picture of what I was going through. They talked to me of faith and that I was lacking and that is why I didn't have investigators. My companions and I quickly became discouraged. Every person we would talk to or get to teach would never be there again. During this time I remembered that when I went on my mission, I never felt that I was there to baptize a bunch of people. I felt that I was there to help people who had fallen away. After all, I was less active for most of my teenage years. I knew the dark and empty feeling that comes from distancing yourself from God. So in that area we focused a lot on less active members and taught them a lot. That should have been enough for me. I should have gone with my gut feeling and done what I felt was my purpose, but the words of others made me feel like I wasn't making a difference at all. My faith was lacking and that was causing me to not have success. Well that feeling didn't go away when I went home. It stayed with me for about 9 months. I felt that I did not deserve the mercy and grace that Christ offers because my faith was not sufficient. God could never forgive me. I never vocally told anyone that feeling until one day I was talking to my best friend Amy. I told her those feelings and how I had forgotten God's grace. As long as we do our best, He makes up for everything. I waited almost 6 months to have an investigator, and He gave it to me. That didn't make me unsuccessful. That didn't make me less faithful. I did the best with what I had to give at that time. As soon as I vocalized it, this overwhelming feeling of peace and love came over me. I knew that the atonement was real and it could make up for my imperfections. My faith was strengthened that day. God didn't take my burdens away in my time, but in His time.


There are countless other examples of this in my life. I thought I would never get married because dating wasn't working out. I've now been married for almost a year. At times I fear I won't be able to have children. That's just me doubting because my patience is lacking. If we trust in the Lord and His timing, His promises will always be fulfilled. He never goes back on His promises.

I hope that this will touch someone and take what I have learned so that they do not need to suffer to learn as I have. Don't despair. All will be well for those who remain faithful. This life is but a moment. There is much joy and much pain, but it is all for our good.