Deep Life Thoughts.

So in my ritual watching of Grey's Anatomy as soon as I'm done with my classes for the week, I always have thoughts that I wouldn't normally. Now you may say, Leisa that show has been around forever, why did you just start watching it now? The truth is I would rather watch someone else's drama (mostly fake drama) because I don't like it nor do I tolerate it in my own life. When I was in high school, I cared so much about what people thought of me, and I wanted everyone to like me. I did anything and everything to get people to like me, to not cross wrong paths with people and when there were fights I always tried and make them better as soon as possible. Personally, I don't know how I wasted so much time. The completely ironic thing is I used to always wonder why my parents left friends from their past behind them. I couldn't understand because keeping people in my life, that frankly I didn't need was such a high priority. Now I completely understand why. I will admit I do have a few friends from my childhood that I know I will be friends with for the rest of my life, but there are many people that I could care less if I ever see again. When people have a problem with me that aren't my close best friends, I just don't care. If that's shallow and mean, I apologize, but thats how it goes. Reading old journal entries and thinking of all the pain certain people put me through, it's no wonder. I just finally got tired of always fighting for things that weren't in my best interest. I don't regret a moment in my life because it made me the strong person that I am now. I fight for people who are worth fighting for, and the ones who are worth fighting for, I don't have to fight for because they are there. I am not a competitive person, nor will I ever be. Unfortunately though, with this comes the sensitivity and caution of letting new people into my life. Dating is scary for me. Submitting myself to the will of someone else, the possible failure or abandonment that could come. Don't take me for a fool because I know when people don't care or when they will leave. I've seen it so many times before and in many instances. It will happen many more times in my life. That is life, I have accepted that.

Now to the deep thoughts. I was talking to Lacey today about how much I miss my Mom. She is the most inspirational person in my life and she is who I want to become. Through everything she has always been there and has always believed in me, even though I wasn't the easiest to raise. I have disappointed her, back talked her, made her cry, made her mad, but she is my best friend. I was talking to Lacey about when we die. George's (on Grey's) Dad died in one of the episodes I was watching and it made me bawl my eyes out. Although my Dad and I don't always get along and we disagree more than not, I couldn't imagine him not in my life. After death I want to be with my family. If you are not a member of the Mormon faith you will probably think this is crazy, but we believe when we die that we will be together forever because we are sealed. See when we get the highest kingdom of glory, we become God's and Goddesses. We create our own worlds. Now Lacey and I were discussing this. I was like "Lacey, If we have our own worlds, and our parents have their own worlds, how are we going to be with them?" "We will call them on telephones of course duh!" she says to me. I said well we have to be together all the time, I mean we will probably sit and talk about how bad and good our children are to each other. I then had a really deep thought. "Do you think God still talks to his parents?" He has to! and then you can go even deeper than that, he has a wife so he has in laws! That is such a crazy thought. Here I am worrying about what career I am going to pursue, if I'm going to get screwed over by a friend or guy, if I will ever get married or have kids, or go on a mission, and they are up there running a world. Not to mention while keeping family ties. Now sit there and think that one through :)