Put a Bandaid on it.

This past week, our family suffered a terrible loss. Our little, puffy, bark all the time, quirky, loving, devoted, best friend, Jasmine passed away suddenly. In the past eight years, this is the second sudden and tragic loss we have experienced. This time though, there weren't as many signs. She was just running around the yard that morning chasing chipmunks with her pal Winnie as my mom mowed the lawn. She came in acting a little off, but she had done that before. In those times she would throw up and then be all better the next day. Little did we know, she was not going to come out of this. My dad texted us a little after 9pm saying that she wasn't doing well and would probably not make it through the night. I was in shock and I prayed that she would be okay. When Logan got home I had planned to drive to my parents to see her. 30 minutes later though, she took her last breath. She was in the loving arms of my mother, who yet again had to suffer a terrible loss of one of our precious animals. None of us slept that night. How could this have happened? She was just fine. We were just talking about how gray she was at our gender reveal, but I thought we had more time. She showed that she was slowing down, but not to the extent of dying. How? I'm still asking myself this question. There are other questions I'm asking, but I will get into that later.

Last night, my family went to a baseball game. I asked my mom, "So are you guys going to get another dog?" My mom said that they would not be getting another one and that she felt bad for Winnie, their other dog because she had never been alone before. I said something along the lines of how when Ginger passed away we went out and got Jasmine. My mom said that Jasmine had been a bandaid for Ginger and that Winnie was a bandaid for when I left on my mission. Now she would have to figure out how to handle this.

Now don't take me the wrong way, Jasmine was a bandaid, but she was loved and we would never have changed the decision we made to bring her home. She was my best friend and it was always so hard to leave her when I would go to school, and when I left for my mission. But, I started thinking about how often we as humans put bandaids on other things because we either don't know how to deal with them, or we don't want to because it would be too hard. How many of us have jumped into a relationship we knew wasn't right because one we were just in had ended? How many of us have pushed away grief because society tells us we should be over it by now? How many of us try to fill holes in our lives with food, alcohol, anything to take away the pain?

I was reminded of a line in one of Taylor Swifts songs that read (or rather sings), "bandaids don't fix bullet holes..." That's exactly what we are doing every time we avoid feeling pain and try to replace it with something else. We have this big, gaping hole in our arm, leg, heart... you name it, but instead of going to the doctor, removing the bullet and getting cleaned up and stitches, we put a bandaid over it and let it fester. Sometimes the problem is masked very well and you think it's gone, but then something comes along that triggers the pain you feel all over again. As the Fault in Our Stars puts it, "pain demands to be felt."

Some of us may not do this, and to those of you reading who feel you're really good at dealing with problems and facing them head-on, I commend you. I wish we all could have that skill set. But for those of us who don't, we need to do something about it. I mean I guess you don't need to do anything. You have that choice, but if you want to stop feeling like a shell of a person who feels less and less, this is the best choice you or I will ever make. Feel your pain. Feel your grief. Dig deep and experience what needs to be. If we keep pushing it down or running away then it never will fully be resolved. It's in moments like these (ie. death) that we begin to go through all the possible outcomes in our mind. It's in the moments when you feel like you can't breathe because there's nothing you can do about what happened. Media writers have played with the idea of time travel, but my friends, I'm afraid that just doesn't exist.

Now, this is the part where I start to bring spirituality and religion into this post. If you have no interest in that then you can stop reading, knowing a general idea and try and find ways to feel your pain. But, if you even have the slightest curiosity or want to keep going, then please keep reading.

When I wrote my facebook post the other day, I said that I would be asking myself and God questions for a while. Why did this have to happen? Why did it happen so suddenly? Why did it happen the way it did? Why didn't I feel the spirit telling me to go help her?" "What actually happened to her?" "Where is Jasmine?" "Will I see her again?" "Will we have the same relationship in the next life?" "Was she alone or was there heavenly help in her suffering?" The list goes on. For those of you who aren't aware, I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We believe that after this life there is a period where those who followed Christ, were baptized and lived righteously will be in a state of paradise, and those who didn't or didn't have the opportunity to have those experiences will be taught the gospel by those in paradise. We believe that Jesus Christ came to earth, that he suffered in Gethsemane for the sins, trials, sufferings, pain and every other hard thing. We believe that He died on the cross and was Resurrected. This whole process of his suffering, death, and living again we refer to as the atonement.  We believe that one day we will stand in front of Him to be judged and then will go to one of three places: The Celestial kingdom, where we will be with our families forever, be in the presence of God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ; The Terrestrial kingdom, where we will not be in eternal family units and only be able to be in the presence of Christ (not the Father); or the Telestial kingdom, where we will only have the presence of the Holy Ghost and again will not be in eternal family units. This is all based upon our actions in this life and the repentance that we made utilizing the great atonement that Christ performed for us.

Some of you may be thinking, so what does this have to do with your dog? Well, some may think it silly of me, but I'm trying to make sense of my Jasmines death, by applying this knowledge that I have of what happens to humans. We do not believe that our household pets are sealed to us like our family members are, but many use the bandaid, "they're in doggie heaven". For those of you who think me strange or who don't understand why on earth I would put time into this whether it be those who don't believe in religion or don't understand why people love animals so much, know that I am not putting a bandaid on my grief for Jasmine. Instead, I am trying to understand how the great atonement works in a different way. I'm trying to understand how my beloved friend and yes even family member fits into this great plan of salvation that God has given us. I don't want to just tell myself shes in heaven and that I will see her again to make myself feel better. I want to ask these questions to a loving Heavenly Father. So far the only answer I've gotten was peace. That may be the only answer I get in this life. And that's okay. That doesn't mean that I'm going to give up asking and trying to study it out in my mind. You see the scriptures don't talk about animals because we as humans have a hard enough time trying to understand what to do and how to live so that we can partake in this plan. But still, I will ask. However strange it may seem.

I encourage all of you to feel your pain, grief and don't just put a bandaid on it. I encourage you to do something about what you're feeling. Taking pills can also be considered a bandaid. It's easier to just do those sorts of things. It's easier to just push the pain away or to not make hard choices for real change. It's easier to not give up toxic relationships so that you don't face what the actual problems are (ie. loneliness, lack of self-worth, some sort of trauma).

Henry B Eyring said in this past April General Conference, "You could have limited success by calling a child to repent, for instance, of pride. You might try persuading children to share what they have more generously. You could ask them to stop feeling they are better than someone else in the family. But then you come to the symptom I described earlier as “They began to diminish in their faith in Jesus Christ.” 

I've thought a lot about this talk these past few months. Especially with all the battling going on in politics. I won't get into detail on my belief on this matter, but I will say look for the bandaids in life that people try to place, instead of going to the harder root of the problem. We treat symptoms more than the actual problem most times. It's harder to find the root and it may take longer, but it's well worth it.

To my sweet Jasmine, I would like to say that I hope that you did not die so that I would have these soul searching questions. I also feel guilty for not being there as my mother does. I feel guilty that my mom was at my house painting instead of at home. If we had never bought this house, would you still be here? My loving husband has assured me that guilt and saying what if will not help with anything. I would like to challenge that though and say that we can try and help people feel better all day long by telling them it's okay and they shouldn't be feeling that way. All these emotions are part of our grieving process. Although these feelings may not seem productive or to help the situation, they are part of that process. Jasmine, you were my best friend before I met Logan. When we were heartbroken over Ginger, you stepped in a filled a hole. You climbed right into my lap and we knew you were part of our family already. I thank you for trusting us to love you and for your undying devotion to us. I thank you for being there for me when no other human being could fill the void of loneliness or sadness that I was feeling. You showed more Christlike love than many humans could ever possibly know how to show. Although I do not know what happened and why it had to happen to such a sweet little soul as you, God is giving me peace. I hope that you are in His loving arms, chasing chipmunks, eating to your heart's content, barking as much as you would like and stealing hearts with your quirky, yet total embodiment of empathy and compassion. You will be severely missed. I knew when I saw your lifeless body, that you were not there anymore. Although your body is what made it possible for you to be here and for me to see you, hug you and be with you physically, it was your whole soul that I loved. Without your spirit, your body was not you. I will always remember the good times we had. Watch over Winnie, since she is not used to being alone. Watch over our family and help us understand your loss. We love you forever my sweet bumble bee. Boopy doopy doo, and a nice butt scratch. Twirl and hum free my little friend. I hope that you and Ginger can become great friends and will be waiting on the other side for us.