I have been feeling like I need to write this for quite some time now, but I'm not really sure why. Whoever needs this, whether it be myself or someone else, I hope you can find comfort or solace in my words.
During Logan and my anniversary trip this year, we sat down and wrote down goals for 2019 and how we would accomplish them. It has been one of the most productive years for growth in our marriage. One of these goals was to have another baby by the end of the year. Although we made this goal, I wasn't quite ready but knew that I would be when the time came to have a new member added to our family. (I'm not at all saying that you should ever plan on having a child when you are not ready. For me though, this was something that needed to be planned.)
I have loved being a mother to our son Mason. I've enjoyed being able to stay home with him, to watch him learn and grow. It has been my greatest joy in life. My fear of having another baby was that he would fall to the wayside. My new baby would take over and Mason would be left behind. I would not be able to give him the attention I once had, and that would be hard. Of course, your attention will always be divided when you have more than one child. I just wasn't quite ready to do that yet.
When I went off the pill, it took my body quite some time to regulate itself. In fact, it never quite regulated even after I found out I was pregnant. Hormones are a funny thing. They are so vital for producing life and other human body functions, but at times they can spin out of control. Some may say you're "going crazy". I wanted a baby and we planned for this baby. When it happened though, I was surprised, which doesn't make any sense because I had felt that we would have a baby by October (Not sure if that meant an actual physical baby in our arms, or that I would get pregnant by then, but we rolled with it). My first thought was, wait.... there are two lines. Logan said, oh well you took that earlier so it isn't good anymore. I then explained that I took it and then got in the shower. When I got out it had the result. He was super excited, and I was unsure. How could I feel like this when we wanted a baby? How could I feel like this when this is what we had planned?
The first trimester can be really tough because you generally don't tell people that you are pregnant and you are just supposed to act as a functional human being. I, however, was not a functional human being. Among nausea that I experienced, I also had the baby blues. I had never heard of anyone experiencing this during pregnancy as opposed to postpartum. I lost all interest in all of my hobbies. I felt hopeless. There was a sign on our bathroom vanity that said, "Today is going to be a good day". I saw it every morning, but I would say in my mind, "yeah right." I would get angry, so very angry. I would yell at my child for the simplest things (which for those who know me, know is not something I do). I didn't want to do anything but lay in bed. My thoughts were even not like me. I thought, "well maybe it wouldn't be so bad to have a miscarriage." Who thinks like that? Who would ever want to go through that, especially when the baby was planned and wanted? A person who has depression would.
I expressed what was going on to my mom. She was the first person I told about the pregnancy, of course! Telling everyone else was something I dreaded because then I would have to pretend to feel excited and happy. She said that she went through the same thing when she was pregnant for me and that it went away in the 2nd trimester. This gave me hope. We wondered at the possibility of this being a girl and how interesting that would be if that was a symptom of having a girl in our family.
During this time we were also in the process of buying a house. The house that was our prospect was not what I would have wanted at all. I was not fully involved in the process mentally and as the prospect of it becoming ours became more real, I removed myself from the situation. I didn't want to climb a hill with our toddler, let alone a baby and a toddler, but I didn't care at that point. I would deal with it later.
Thankfully, my baby blues went away in my 2nd trimester. I was so fortunate to have that lifted, but also fortunate to experience those feelings and thoughts. So many women suffer from these feelings and now I have empathy for them. I know what they have felt and possibly thought. I also am grateful that it went away though because now I can do what I planned, have a baby and celebrate each day that I can carry this little miracle of life. She will be an awesome addition to our family and we look forward to her arrival in October.
I worry that the baby blues will come back and for the crazy hormonal changes that come from the baby coming. For this, I'm not quite ready for her to come. She can stay there for the whole 40 weeks! I know I wanted Mason to come by 37 weeks and I was ready, but for her, I want her to stay put for now. The acid reflux and pains of the 3rd trimester may be annoying at times, but I at least am in my right mind and feel excitement and joy for the future. Hopefully, it won't come back, but if I does I hope I can conquer it again. I hope that I can reach out and get help and support from those around me. I hope that I can be a mother to two children who is happy because that's all they need.
During this process though, I was not left alone. God is good, even among our trials. I was reminded of this principle this morning while reading in 2Corinthians 1:7, "And our hope of you is steadfast, knowing, that as ye are partakers of the sufferings, so shall ye be also of the consolation." This life was never meant to be easy. We were never meant to have happy times all the days of our lives. Affliction and trials help mold us to become stronger and prepare us to return to our Heavenly Father if we endure them well. As this scripture says, sufferings are paired with consolation. Thankfully during this hard time, we had the opportunity to go to my sisters-in-law's sealing to her husband for time and all eternity. One of the consolations I received, was from that sealing ordinance. God made it apparent that He was aware of me and what I was going through. He also promised me that I could do this. He wasn't going to leave me alone. My posterity would bring me joy. I was so grateful for this and for the consistent consolation that I have received from reaching out to Him. Even though in depression sometimes the spiritual insight can seem far and few between because of your dulled senses, it does come when we are consistently doing what we should and being in the places that we need to be in.
I don't know what the future will hold, but I do know that being a mother is my greatest joy and with Heavenly Father on my side, it will all be alright. I'm grateful to have been sealed in the temple to my husband and that our babies are sealed to us as well. I know that if we remain faithful, we can be together forever. I'm grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ and the sacrifice that He made. Not only does it give us the hope of having a resurrected body, free from the pains of this world and the hope that we can be forgiven of our sins through repentance and His grace, but we also can be comforted. He knows everything that we will pass through in this life and every feeling or thought we have because He has experienced those things for us in order to help us and understand us. He lives and because He lives we can have joy and hope of consolation and salvation! In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
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