Growing up.

Have you ever noticed that with each new sunrise your views and personality changes with it? Even as the hours go by, you feel differently before you go to sleep at night then you did when you wake up. Maybe a song, a quote, a conversation, something so little could influence your day, or change a perspective. It's funny how the actors/ actresses, musicians and everyone around us gets older, and its hard to remember what they used to look like. I love looking back at old pictures and think "What was I thinking?" Even within the last month, I feel like I have changed significantly. Things that used to be attractive to me aren't anymore. For instance, I took out my belly button piercing and when I get a chance to go to a tattoo parlor, am taking out my webb ring. In the Mormon faith, we believe that when the prophets say something that it is doctrine. They have said that we (as in girls) should only have one hole in each ear and that is it. I've decided to stop fighting against things that are placed there to protect me and make me a better individual, and start working with them. Life changes so much when you leave high school. It's a whole different world, and trying to find out who you are can be extremely intimidating. The future is a world of unknown that is completely terrifying to me. In less than 5 months I will be leaving my teen years behind me and entering the 20's. I've decided instead of fighting against the aging process to just go along with it. In 5 years I could be madly in love, married and even starting to have children of my own. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. When we were younger, we thought we knew what love was and that dating was just a walk in the park. I had my first boyfriend at the young age of 13.. which if I could go back and do it again, I would have definitely waiting until the age of 16 like I was told to.. or even later than that. Love is so perplex; there are many forms, many ways to show it, and many ways to lose it. For a young teenager, a break up may be the end of the world, which I remember it being. I have had a boyfriend in my life every year since the 7th grade, and with the good times, came the ultimate bad's, where I never thought I would recover. Recently, love has seemed so distant to me, marriage seems like not a possibility in my life, and I can't imagine having my own family and being on my own. Were at the age now where the people we date could become who we spend the rest of our lives with. That is a HUGE change from the short lived, hope they last high school relationships. I think the permanence scares me the most because I am so used to having people come in and out of my life. Love, and relationships just do not seem as appealing to me anymore because it is such a big decision. What I have realized though is that when it comes to a husband, you can't settle. I have always settled for less than I deserve, because to me it was easier that way. Confusing I know, trust me I've had a hard time figuring out the way my mind works too. Prince Charming isn't just going to come and sweep me off my feet, like I have always dreamed of since I was a little girl. Love is so much more than that. I read an article from the Relief Society Broadcast this year and it said that "A woman that desires children is righteous in the eyes of the Lord." That thought just blows my mind. More and more it has become apparent to me that the choices I am making now are going to affect my future big time. I am living for my children, for my grandchildren and future posterity. I need to do all that I can to make life the best that they can have. I need to practice my patience and loving people now if I want to be able to handle a family. There is so much pressure. This middle stage just is not so much fun, but it will all pay off in the end.